


How Much She Cares

by regenderate



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 07:55:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16740085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regenderate/pseuds/regenderate
Summary: Yaz sees so many amazing things. She sees the upward tropics of Kanstano. She sees entire cities made of rubies. She sees humans and aliens and the past and the future, all at once.But somehow, the one thing she can’t tear her eyes away from is the Doctor.--A possible progression for Yaz's relationship with the Doctor, told through vignettes of Yaz's life.





	How Much She Cares

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: I changed the format slightly. Shouldn't affect the reading experience too much.

“I’m calling you Yaz, because we’re friends now.”

Yaz stares at this strange woman. Friends? They aren’t friends. Yaz has no idea who she is. She just appeared out of nowhere and started telling people what to do. And Yaz is the one in charge here, thank you very much.

(But by the end of the night, Yaz thinks maybe she’ll give being friends a shot.)

* * *

 

The Doctor is strange. She hovers in their lives for about a week after the whole crane thing, claiming she’s waiting to attend Ryan Sinclair’s nan’s funeral. But she doesn’t seem to have anything to do, or anywhere else to be-- she says she wants to find her ship, but right now, she’s just set up shop in the now-abandoned mechanic shop where they found the Stenza transport pod. Yaz only knows because she has to go back as part of the police investigation into Rahul the mechanic’s death, and she’s annoyed as all get-out when she walks in to what she thinks is a deserted shop with a group of officers and hears electricity crackling.

She pushes her way through the curtain of chains and into the main shop, and sure enough, the Doctor is there, making sparks fly from a microwave.

“You can’t be here,” she says. “This is a crime scene.”

“What’s the crime?” the Doctor asks.

“Murder,” Yaz says. “Remember? A body was found, missing a single tooth?”

“I thought we solved that,” the Doctor says. “The Stenza did it, remember?”

“Right,” Yaz agrees, “but we still need something to say officially. The other police’d never believe the truth. And if you don’t want to get arrested on suspicion of murder, you’ll want to leave.”

“I can’t just leave,” the Doctor says. She’s still wearing her too-big tattered suit. “I’ve got things to do. Very important.”

“You can come back later,” Yaz says. “We just have to have a look around, all right?”

The Doctor rolls her eyes.

“Police,” she mutters. She goes through a door in the back of the shop, and Yaz comes back out.

“Just an old project,” she says to her colleagues. “Wasn’t stored safely, but we should be all right.”

* * *

 

The Doctor does indeed show up to the funeral. So does Yaz, even though she didn’t know Grace all that well. Ryan insists his nan would’ve wanted Yaz to be there, and so now Yaz is there, shifting uncomfortably in a church pew. She hasn’t really been to a lot of church, but she’ll do it for someone who saved her life.

When it’s over, she finds the Doctor in the back of the church, standing against a wall.

“Why’d you stay for this?” she asks. “You could’ve been gone days ago.”

“Had to pay my respects,” the Doctor says. “Wanted to make sure you lot were all right.”

“So are you leaving soon?” Yaz asks. “To find your ship?”

“Probably, yeah,” the Doctor says. She shrugs. “Not much for me to do here, now the big danger is gone.”

There’s an awkward moment in which neither of them say anything.

“We’ll miss you,” Yaz offers. And then, “You’re always welcome back.”

Surprisingly enough, that works. The Doctor’s face bursts into a smile.

“Brilliant.”

* * *

 

Yaz’s hair is floating around her face, her blood is boiling in her body, and she’s barely had time to process these new developments when there’s a flash of light and suddenly she’s waking up in an unfamiliar place, a worrying clanking noise and the sound of the Doctor yelling in the background. She’s too dazed and confused to do much more than follow the Doctor’s orders, but she’s vaguely aware that she is, in fact, _still in space_ , ie. not on Earth, ie. in a completely impossible situation.

But apparently the Doctor knows about more ships than just her own, because she manages to get this one down onto the ground.

The ground of a new planet.

Yaz isn’t sure what she thinks about that.

* * *

 

Seeing the Doctor get her ship back is Yaz’s favorite part of this whole thing. Maybe even better than the promise of going back home.

* * *

 

The Doctor talks to the TARDIS like a person so much that Yaz starts to think of it that way as well. The fourth time they open the doors onto a completely alien civilization, Yaz thinks maybe the ship is doing this on purpose. She’s not sure why yet, but she’s going to figure it out.

* * *

 

Sixteen stops later, Yaz has glimpsed at all sorts of times and places. She’s been to space. She’s met _Rosa Parks_. She misses her family, but… she’s going to miss this, too.

That’s why she invites the Doctor to tea.

Well, that, and the Doctor just seems really lonely, even if she won’t say it. Yaz thinks maybe the Doctor needs a family every now and then, and Yaz doesn’t mind volunteering hers. They drive her mad, but they’re better than nothing, and Yaz suspects the Doctor has nothing these days.

Yaz thinks she’s starting to realize why the TARDIS gave them so many detours.

* * *

 

Here’s the thing about Yaz’s family: her sister is always sniping at her, her dad’s a conspiracy nut, and her mother is convinced, absolutely _convinced_ , that Yaz is into women.

Yaz isn’t into women. She’s never looked twice at a woman in her life, except to compliment her hair or clothes or something like that. Perfectly normal straight girl looking. She’s had boyfriends, and her mum’s met some of them, even. And yet, for some reason, her mum is always asking if she’s dating the women she meets. Yaz doesn’t see how it’s even her mum’s business, but she supposes that it’s just her mum hoping she’ll settle down or something.

Still. When Yaz’s mum asks if she and the Doctor are seeing each other, it’s deeply embarrassing. Especially when the Doctor doesn’t seem to have an answer-- Yaz knows she’s an alien, but come on! She’s been traveling with humans for _how_ long now?

“We’re friends,” she says, and that sounds right. They _are_ friends, she thinks. She invited the Doctor for tea, and that’s something friends do. She’s not quite sure where trying to get to the bottom of a giant spider mystery fits in, but she’ll take it.

* * *

 

She pulls Ryan and Graham aside after the Doctor leaves them at Yaz’s flat..

“I don’t want to say goodbye,” she says. “And I know you don’t, either.”

“What are you suggesting?” Graham asks.

“We keep going,” Ryan says.

“If the Doctor lets us,” Yaz says. “But I get the feeling she’s really lonely. She needs people around.”

“Sure,” Graham says. “I don’t want to be in that house all alone.”

“I don’t want to go back to my boring life,” Ryan says. “Not now that I’ve seen all that other stuff.”

“So we’re agreed?” Yaz asks.

“Agreed.”

* * *

 

Yaz pretends she doesn’t see the tears in the Doctor’s eyes when they ask to go along with her.

She _does_ return the Doctor’s smile when they all press the lever together, hurling the TARDIS through time and space.

This is going to be _fun_.

* * *

 

Yaz sees so many amazing things. She sees the upward tropics of Kanstano. She sees entire cities made of rubies. She sees humans and aliens and the past and the future, all at once.

But somehow, the one thing she can’t tear her eyes away from is the Doctor.

There’s something about the way she moves. The way she wields her sonic screwdriver. The way her coat flaps when she runs, the way she scrunches her face up when she doesn’t like something, the way she smiles when she’s excited about something. The way she smiles at Yaz when Yaz solves something.

It’s not-- Yaz isn’t _into_ the Doctor or anything. She just wants to be _like_ her, traveling everywhere, helping people, saving worlds.

* * *

 

On the other hand, she barely knows the Doctor, she realizes one day. Someone living on an alien planet a few billion years into the future says something about the sun swallowing the Earth any day now, and the Doctor offhandedly mentions seeing that with an old friend once. The person they’re talking to looks confused, but Yaz is just curious. She’s realized by now that the Doctor’s been alive for at least a thousand years, maybe more, and now she wonders about all the people the Doctor must have met in that time. Not just the ones she name-drops, like Albert Einstein or Amelia Earhart, but the ones she brushes aside with sad eyes.

She manages to corner the Doctor and ask about it one night (or, whatever passes for night in the TARDIS) when the others have gone to sleep. The Doctor, face covered in a welding mask, is tinkering with the TARDIS, just like always, installing some new navigational system or biscuit machine or sitting room. Yaz sits down next to her and asks, “Who were you traveling with? Before us, I mean.”

The Doctor stops in her tracks. For a moment, Yaz is sure she’s going to brush off the question the same way she’s brushed it off every time she’s mentioned a former companion in the past. But she doesn’t; instead, she says, “Just before you I had Bill. She was a right laugh.”

“What happened to her?” Yaz asks.

“It’s a bit complicated,” the Doctor says. “I didn’t see it all. She’s not with me anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” Yaz says. She shifts a little closer to the Doctor.

“I told you traveling with me was dangerous,” the Doctor says. “I miss Bill. That was back when my eyebrows were twice as big as they are now.”

“How’s that work, then?” Yaz asks. “You’ve mentioned being a man before. Are you transgender?”

“Not really,” the Doctor says. “Just Time Lord. We don’t really have gender, not when our bodies are always changing shape anyway. It’s what we do instead of dying-- we grow a whole new body. You met me when I was still a brand new me.”

“Whoa,” Yaz says. “What were you like before? Do you have pictures?”

“Scottish,” the Doctor says. She goes back to her tinkering.  “Grumpy. Not at all friendly.”

“I’d like to see that,” Yaz laughs.

“Bill made me take some selfies with her once,” the Doctor says. “Maybe I’ll dig them up sometime.”

“I’d like that,” Yaz says.

* * *

The next day, they’re combing through a space junkyard for some equipment that the Doctor swears will help them make the most amazing fireworks show. Graham is complaining and Ryan is poking at everything, and then Graham finds something with red blinking lights. A sonic mine, the Doctor says.

They only have enough time for the Doctor to try and fail to defuse it before it goes off.

* * *

They’re on a hospital ship. The sonic mine jumbled their organs, apparently, but Yaz feels more or less fine now; it’s the Doctor she’s worried about. For one reason or another, the mine hurt the Doctor more than it hurt anyone else, and now she’s running around with one hand pressed to her torso (ectospleen, she says, whatever that is) trying to save the day.

Yaz wonders how often the Doctor sleeps. If she won’t rest now, what are the chances that she _never_ rests? Even if the Doctor doesn’t technically need sleep (which Yaz doubts; she’s similar enough to humans that Yaz is pretty sure she probably needs sleep), she should still _rest_.

The Doctor saves the day, like usual, pressed up against Yaz while the Pting takes care of the bomb for them. They have an impromptu funeral for General Eve Cicero, wishing her hope in her travels, and then they themselves have a day or so of travel to look forward to until they’re at Resus One, where the teleport is. The Doctor spends this time in the control room, staring at the antimatter drive with reverence and awe while hacking into the ship’s files with her sonic screwdriver, until Yaz comes up behind her and says, “Doctor, do you sleep?”

“Course I sleep,” the Doctor says, still focused on the drive’s maintenance reports. “Not often, you know. Get a good nap every once in a while. Why?”

“I was just wondering, ‘cause, you know. You just got hurt pretty bad, and you aren’t resting.”

“Oh, yeah,” the Doctor says, throwing Yaz a glance. “I’ll be fine.”

“You always say that,” Yaz says.

“It’s always true,” the Doctor says. “I’m fine. Still alive, despite all odds. I was supposed to die about two hundred years ago, actually. Funny story, that. I got a whole bunch of extra regeneration energy at the last minute.”

“Doctor,” Yaz says, “you’re changing the subject.”

“I’ll sleep a bit when we get back to the TARDIS,” the Doctor says. “If it’ll make you happy.”

“It’s more about you, actually,” Yaz says.

“If you say so.” The Doctor goes back to gazing at the antimatter drive, and Yaz gives up and goes off to find Ryan and Graham.

* * *

 

Yaz gets pressed up against the Doctor again in the teleport-- it’s barely big enough for four people. She doesn’t mind. The Doctor is a lot softer and a lot warmer than Yaz thought she’d be. _Not_ that Yaz has thought about it.

They appear on the TARDIS, and as the four of them stumble away from each other, Yaz says, “Bedtime now, right, Doctor?”

The Doctor almost rolls her eyes, but she doesn’t argue. Yaz figures she’ll take what she can get.

* * *

 

The Doctor is a little different with Yaz, after that. Yaz can’t quite figure out the how or why of it, but the Doctor seems to be more vulnerable, maybe. She starts offering up stories about her past without asking when Graham and Ryan aren’t there-- she and Yaz are halfway through digging a trench for some sentient lava when the Doctor says, “Did I ever tell you about my wife?”

Yaz feels a complicated mix of emotions that she can’t quite put to words at that-- sort of a twisting in her chest, and a bubble, and a bit of a pain, all at the same time.

“No,” she says. “You were married?”

“Few times, actually,” the Doctor says. “Once to Queen Elizabeth the First. But most recently it was this woman River.”

“And what was she like?” Yaz asks, sitting back on her heels. Might as well take a break to hear the Doctor talk about her wife.

“Gorgeous,” the Doctor says. “Infuriating. Brilliant. Not a bad dancer, either. I used to describe her as hell in high heels.”

“Where is she now?” Yaz asks. She knows by now that most of the people the Doctor mentions have already met their end.

“Depends,” the Doctor says. “She was a time traveler, too. We kept meeting in the wrong order. But the last time she saw me, she died and got uploaded into a library database. I think she’s happy there.”

“She got what?”

“Uploaded,” the Doctor says. “Well, that was me, actually. I uploaded her. Didn’t like endings. Still don’t, really.”

“I’m not sure anyone does,” Yaz says. “But you don’t see her anymore?”

“Not really,” the Doctor says. “I think the part of my timeline that overlaps with hers is more or less over.”

“That’s so strange,” Yaz says. “Time travel really makes things complicated.”

“It really does,” the Doctor replies.

* * *

 

Yaz credits the Doctor’s newfound trust in her for letting her go back and meet her gran. Or maybe “blames” is a better word. By the end of it, Yaz knows why the Doctor didn’t want to go. She understands the Doctor a lot better, actually.

At the end of it all, the Doctor comes up to her with an expression full of understanding and sympathy. She doesn’t hug Yaz, she doesn’t even touch her, but Yaz somehow feels as if she had.

* * *

 

Yaz’s dad was right about the conspiracies. Yaz’s mum might be right about her.

* * *

 

The TARDIS likes Yaz, too. Biscuits appear on her nightstand when she turns her back, and books that are just her type tend to literally fall off the library shelves when she walks in. She loves the TARDIS back, of course. She tries to respect it, always saying thank you after it does something for her. It gets to the point where she can have a full conversation with the TARDIS, her speaking out loud, the TARDIS projecting things into her mind or onto the walls.

One day she’s floating with Ryan in the shallow end swimming pool, thinking about the ocean, and the TARDIS changes the walls to look like a beach, creating waves in the pool.

“Whoa,” Ryan says.

“Thanks,” Yaz calls.

“What for?” Ryan asks.

“Not you,” Yaz says, splashing him. “The TARDIS.”

“You’re almost as bad as the Doctor,” Ryan mutters.

“Don’t let her hear you say that,” Yaz says.

Ryan splashes her.

* * *

 

She wonders what would happen if the Doctor came swimming with them. What kind of swimsuit would the Doctor wear? Yaz has only ever seen her in that ragged suit and the T-shirt/braces/jacket combination she got at the charity shop. Yaz likes to think her swimsuit would have the same pattern as the shirt.

This is the point where some part of Yaz, deep in the back of her brain, tells her that she just might have a little crush on the Doctor.

Yaz suppresses it immediately.

* * *

 

Whenever they go back to Sheffield, Yaz is certain to invite the Doctor over. Her family enjoys having the Doctor around, or, at least, they enjoy having someone to needle for details about Yaz’s personal life.

This time, Yaz is back just in time to go to work for the day. In her timeline, it’s been weeks since she’s seen her family; for her family, it’s only been a day or so. Yaz has no interest in losing her job, so whenever she’s back, she tries to work a day, and she’s convinced the rest of the team that trying to be back for consecutive days is the way to go.

She works her day of parking disputes and minor quarrels, the whole time looking forward to seeing the Doctor at the end of it. The minute her shift is over, she practically runs home, skidding to a halt outside the TARDIS. She tries to compose herself a little before going inside. The Doctor is, as expected, sitting on the floor with her welding mask on, making sparks fly, but she puts down her tools the moment she hears Yaz.

“Hello, Yaz,” she says, looking up. “How’s work?”

“Boring,” Yaz says, which is true. “It’s hard to go back to settling parking disputes, now I’ve seen all this other stuff.”

“It’s all important,” the Doctor says. “We need someone to sort out parking just as much as we need someone to figure out what’s really going on in France Two.”

Yaz shrugs.

“I suppose I don’t mind,” she says. “As long as I still get to do the other stuff.”

“Of course,” the Doctor says, and she stands up. “Are we doing tea today? I don’t remember.”

“We always do tea,” Yaz reminds her.

“Oh, yeah!” The Doctor’s grin lights up her face. “Can’t come back to Sheffield without tea at Yaz’s, right?”

“Exactly,” Yaz says.

“Where are Graham and Ryan?” the Doctor asks. “Are they coming?”

“They didn’t say,” Yaz says. “I told them they could come round if they want. “

“Brilliant,” the Doctor says. She takes off her welding mask and drops it on the floor. “I’m ready.”

* * *

 

Yaz’s sister is still sniping at her. Her dad is still a conpsiracy nut. And her mum _still_ thinks she’s into women.

Yaz admits to herself that bringing the Doctor home for tea what looks like every two days isn’t helping anything. And half the time, including this one, Ryan and Graham don’t show, so it’s just Yaz and the Doctor trying to come up with regular, non-time-travel-related things to tell Yaz’s family they’ve been up to.

She just… she sees her mum’s glances every time, the way she looks from Yaz to the Doctor and back again. Yaz knows it’s wishful thinking, that she wants her daughter to find a partner and she doesn’t really care the gender, but she really wishes her mum would cut it out. Yaz isn’t a lesbian. She’s not bi, either.

Or… probably not.

But she shoots down that thought the minute it comes to her. She’s straight. She knows this about herself. Why doesn’t her mum?

* * *

 

She and the Doctor leave her flat laughing together. Yaz feels good-- she’s gotten to eat her dad’s terrible pakora, which, no matter how bad it is, will always somehow be a comfort food, and now she’s with the Doctor.

As they walk down to the TARDIS from Yaz’s flat, Yaz asks, “When was the last time you had a family?”

“I borrow families all the time,” the Doctor said. “Last family I borrowed before yours was maybe a thousand years ago, though. I got sort of busy for a while.”

“But did you ever have a family of your own?” Yaz asks gently.

The Doctor grows pensive at that.

“I did,” she says. “Once. Traveled with my granddaughter for a bit.”

Yaz doesn’t ask what happened to her. At this point, she knows that the answer is never good, and if the Doctor doesn’t offer it up herself, Yaz doesn’t want to poke at it.

“Anyway,” the Doctor says, a smile back on her face, “the entire _universe_ is my family, isn’t it? Always a friendly face wherever I go, or sometimes a hostile face, but that’s part of being a family, too, I reckon.”

They’re back at the TARDIS now. Ryan and Graham are waiting for them outside.

“How was tea?” Graham asks.

“Pretty good,” Yaz says. “You agree, Doctor?”

“Oh, yes,” the Doctor says. “I always love tea at Yaz’s.”

* * *

 

Yaz hopes her family doesn’t notice she hardly sleeps in her room anymore.

* * *

 

She thinks the Doctor is cute in a fez.

Well, first she thinks the Doctor is cute when she’s all excited about the Kerblam! man, although Yaz quite frankly thinks the robot is kind of scary. _Then_ she thinks the Doctor is cute in a fez, once the robot is gone and the Doctor’s over the moon at something she doesn’t even remember ordering.

In between getting the “help me” message and actually landing on Kerblam!, Yaz manages to ask the Doctor when she ordered the fez.

“Couple regenerations ago,” the Doctor says. “Must’ve been a thousand years now. Just haven’t floated back through that part of time and space yet, I suppose. Could you get that lever?”

The Doctor never lets Ryan or Graham touch the TARDIS, but she’s always asking Yaz to push a button or throw a lever. Yaz follows the instruction, smiling to herself.

* * *

 

Yaz could’ve died.

That’s what she’s thinking to herself as she watches Kira pop the bubble wrap.

Dan saved her, and he must be dead now, too, and that was supposed to be her.

She’s not sure how to process that. She decides it can wait until they’ve solved the whole mystery.

* * *

 

And now they’ve solved it.

And Yaz still should be dead.

* * *

 

“How do you cope with it?” Yaz asks one day. They’re in the middle of a tropical rainforest, pushing through underbrush; Ryan and Graham are a bit behind, and Yaz is thinking about surviving, living when you’re not supposed to. “Outliving us, I mean.”

The Doctor hesitates, standing still as she thinks of what to say.

“I’m not sure,” she finally says. “I guess I just do the only thing I can do. Keep going.”

Yaz realizes that this is more honesty than most people get from the Doctor. If she had asked this a few months ago, she might have gotten a quick and breezy response, an assurance that the Doctor was always fine. She doesn’t comment on it, but she’s glad the Doctor’s opening up a little. She gets the feeling the Doctor needs it.

* * *

 

Yaz knows the Doctor is thousands of years older than her. She thinks about it sometimes-- how weird it would be to live for that long. How many people she would meet. How many places she would go. She knows her life is a barely a flash in the Doctor’s eye.

But she also knows that she matters to the Doctor. She and Ryan and Graham-- all of them are important to this strange and nearly immortal woman. The Doctor could easily sequester herself away, not talk to anyone, not care about anything-- Yaz gets the impression that maybe she actually has in past years. But she cares _so much_. The way she looks at Yaz after a long day in which not everyone got saved proves it, when the look in her eyes is only partially grief and far more a quiet concern for Yaz.

She doesn’t know whether the Doctor ever looks at Ryan and Graham like this. She’s long since stopped trying to figure out why her friendship with the Doctor is different from theirs; she’s just glad to have this comfort.

* * *

 

She’s in the library one day when she hears a thud behind her. She turns around and sees a book on the ground.

“Thanks,” she says into the air. The walls pulse orange in acknowledgement, and Yaz bends down to pick up the book. It’s essays by LGBT+ women.

Yaz rolls her eyes.

“Not you, too,” she says.

The walls flash gold.

* * *

 

She reads the essays.

* * *

 

And then she reads them again.

* * *

 

She’s alone in her room in the TARDIS, reading this book and realizing she’s loved women for the last twenty years.

“Fine,” she says out loud. “You got me.”

The TARDIS chimes.

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?” she asks. “Why’d you even give me that? How’d you even know?”

The TARDIS never answers in words, but Yaz gets a vague impression of blonde hair falling everywhere, bright hazel eyes, the feeling of a hug that’s not actually a hug.

“We’re _friends_ ,” Yaz says, the same way she did to her mum all those months ago. It’s even more true now than it was then, but somehow it feels like more of a lie.

She gets a vague sense of smugness.

“Oi!” she exclaims. “Get out of my head!”

But it’s good-natured. Yaz loves the TARDIS. Even if she _is_ always meddling.

* * *

 

So Yaz is into women after all.

She spends the next two weeks or so trying to come to terms with that.

It’s funny, because they’ll be in the middle of running somewhere, and Yaz will suddenly realize that she was way into her best friend from primary school, and suddenly that will take up all the space in her brain, despite the fact that she’s in very real danger. Or they’ll stop in at a shop to find a nice souvenir, and the shopgirl will hold Yaz’s eye for a second longer than is natural. Or, and this is the big one, the Doctor will look at Yaz, and Yaz will feel a little like she’s just had an electric shock.

Now that she knows this about herself, she finds it impossible to ignore. She doesn’t know what to do about it, but she feels like she has to tell _someone_ , and the TARDIS doesn’t count.

She chooses Ryan; he’s kind of her best friend, and this is the sort of thing one tells her best friend. She doesn’t plan it or anything; she just blurts it out during one of their adventures, when they’ve gotten split up from the others and are waiting in a sort of futuristic chippy, except that this planet doesn’t have oceans, and so instead of fish they have greasy strips of fried rabbit. Ryan is thoroughly examining the rabbit when Yaz says, “I think I’m into women.”

Ryan looks up.

“What, like romantically?”

“Just like that,” Yaz says.

“Cool,” Ryan says. “So are you a lesbian now or something?”

“I’m not actually sure,” Yaz says. She chews a chip. “I haven’t really thought it through that much.”

“Is it because of the Doctor?” Ryan asks. “Because sometimes I see you looking at her.”

“No,” Yaz says, but it’s obviously a lie. “It’s because of the TARDIS, actually. She gave me a book, and it got me thinking.”

“Oh yeah?” Ryan asks. “When was this?”

“Couple weeks ago,” Yaz says.

“That’s why you’ve been so distracted,” Ryan laughs.

“I have not!”

Ryan grins.

“Have too,” he says. “You were barely paying attention to those fireworks yesterday. And they were _alive_.”

“I’ve seen fireworks before,” Yaz says. That’s true, but these fireworks really were special-- the real reason she wasn’t paying attention is that she was too busy watching the Doctor’s glee at seeing the fireworks.

“Sure,” Ryan says. “I’m just saying. Hot blonde takes us all time traveling, suddenly Yaz Khan realizes she’s into girls. Your timing’s pretty good.”

“Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to tell you,” Yaz says, with a smile so that he’ll know she doesn’t really mean it. “Look, you can’t tell anyone, all right? Not yet.”

Ryan shrugs.

“Fine by me,” he says. “It’s your secret.”

He bites into a piece of rabbit and makes a face.

“It’s really nothing like fish.”

* * *

 

Fortunately, Ryan can keep a secret.

Unfortunately, he’s started nudging and winking at Yaz every time the Doctor even looks at her, which is somehow even more distracting than the Doctor’s eyes are to begin with, and definitely more noticeable than even the most blatant of staring.

“Stop it,” Yaz hisses after a particularly painful nudge. Fortunately, the Doctor has moved on to Graham, so she doesn’t notice.

“What?” Ryan asks. “Just trying to help.”

“Well, it’s not working,” Yaz says. “Go ‘help’ Graham, why don’t you?”

“He’s not nearly as much fun,” Ryan says.

“Oi, I heard that,” Graham says behind them.

“Are any of you listening?” the Doctor asks, looking around.

Ryan can’t stop laughing, although to his credit he won’t tell the Doctor why. Yaz just rolls her eyes.

* * *

 

Yaz doesn’t think she really has to tell anyone else. It’s not anyone’s business, really; Yaz isn’t about to keep it a secret, but she doesn’t even have the right word for what she is yet, so she’s not about to tell anybody, either.

Furthermore, she doesn’t think she _has_ to tell anyone else.

She doesn’t intend to, but then they’re way back in the 1950’s, and there’s this fifteen-year-old girl who’s crying because she’s in love with her best friend and she thinks she’s horribly broken, and Graham and the Doctor are _right there_ but Yaz can’t just let this lie, even though it has nothing to do with the reason they came here, and so she covers the girl’s hands with her own and says, “You know, I like girls, too.”

To their credit, Graham and the Doctor don’t say anything in the moment. When Yaz gets the courage to glance up, Graham looks a little surprised and the Doctor is looking at her with that same look of _understanding_ that she’d used after visiting Yaz’s nan, but it’s actually Ryan who has the biggest reaction, with, “I knew you could say it!”

“Shut up,” Yaz tells him, then turns her focus back to the girl. “Anyway. It’s normal, okay? You’re going to have to try really hard to keep safe, unfortunately, but you’re going to be all right. And maybe you’ll find someone else like you someday.” She doesn’t say it, but she knows this girl will probably live long enough to see same-sex marriage legalized.

“Really?” the girl asks, like she’s afraid to believe it.

“I promise,” Yaz says.

* * *

 

“That was nice of you, earlier,” the Doctor says, once they’re back in the TARDIS.

“What?” Yaz asks.

“Helping that girl.”

Yaz shrugs.

“When people need help, we never refuse, right, Doctor?”

“Exactly right,” the Doctor agrees.

They don’t talk about what it was that Yaz had said. Maybe it’s not important.

* * *

 

Graham’s the one who brings it up. He has enough tact to do it when the Doctor’s not there, but not enough to do it when Ryan’s not there.

“So, you like girls, huh?” he says one night when they’re all hanging out in the kitchen, trying ungodly combinations of the weird alien foods the TARDIS keeps around. (Or, Ryan’s trying ungodly combinations, Yaz is eating the tamer things Ryan makes with a skeptical eye, and Graham is playing it safe with a bag of crisps.) “Any in particular?”

“No,” Yaz says, but she overemphasizes it in her attempt to make it sound true, and she knows it just sounds like a lie.

“You sure?” Ryan asks.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”  Yaz asks.

“Nothing,” Ryan says. He takes a big bite of what Yaz thinks might be cubed sushi. “Yaz, you’ve got to try this.”

She picks up one of the cubes and takes a tentative bite. It’s pretty good, actually.

“I wonder where the TARDIS gets all this stuff,” she says.

“Don’t change the subject,” Ryan says.

“Oi, you changed it first!” Yaz flings a bit of rice at him.

“Still!” Ryan says.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Yaz says. “I’d much rather think about where the TARDIS gets all this weird alien food.”

Ryan and Graham exchange a look. Yaz pretends she doesn’t see it.

* * *

 

Nothing changes, really. Yaz feels a little more like herself, and she still is running around time and space with Ryan and Graham and the Doctor. Her feelings haven’t even changed; she’s just named them, and somehow that makes all the difference, and still no difference at all.

* * *

 

Except that the next time they go back to Sheffield, Yaz realizes that she’s about to go back to her flat and her family, probably with the Doctor, because Yaz always invites the Doctor for tea, because she always looks so lonely and sad when Yaz leaves the TARDIS and Yaz can’t bring herself to leave the Doctor like that.

“I think I’m going to have to tell my family about the time travel,” Yaz says. “I’ve had you ‘round for tea four times in the last week from their perspective.”

“I don’t have to come today,” the Doctor says.

Yaz gives her a look.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she says. “I’m not leaving you alone in this big space box to sulk.”

“I don’t sulk!” the Doctor exclaims.

“We all know what you get up to,” Ryan says. “Don’t pretend.”

“I’ve never pretended anything a day in my life.”

“That’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard,” Graham says. “Go on, Doc. Have fun at Yaz’s.”

“All right,” the Doctor says.

“Are the rest of you coming?” Yaz asks.

“I think we might really be stretching your family’s patience if we all come ‘round five nights in a week,” Graham says.

“Fair enough,” Yaz says, “as long as you know you’re always welcome.”

“Or we could do tea out somewhere,” Ryan says. “We don’t always have to be going to Yaz’s. Not that I don’t love going to Yaz’s, of course.”

“Oh, going out for tea!” the Doctor exclaims. “I love it. Ten points to Ryan. Or a gold star? I’ve forgotten. Yaz, you in?”

“Of course,” Yaz says, and she sends a quick text to her mum. _Not going to be around for tea-- see you tonight!_

Her mum texts her back: _Are you with the Doctor?_

Yaz rolls her eyes and pockets her phone.

“Let’s go,” she says.

* * *

 

When she gets home that night, her mum is waiting for her in the living room. Yaz sighs and sits on the couch, knowing what’s coming.

“You still haven’t told me the truth about how you know the Doctor,” her mum says.

“I’m an adult, Mum,” Yaz says. “I’m allowed to have friends.”

“I’m worried about you,” her mum tells her. “You’ve barely been home for the last week, you keep bringing her ‘round, and I don’t know where you’ve been sleeping.”

“I’ve been sleeping here,” Yaz says. Which is true, she thinks, although she only really comes back every couple months, and so her memory might be a little shaky.

“Not every night, you haven’t,” her mum says. “Where have you been?”

Yaz sighs.

“All right,” she says. “You’re not going to believe this.”

“I didn’t believe the giant spiders,” her mum counters.

“Fair enough,” Yaz says. “The Doctor’s an alien.”

“With a name like that, I’m not surprised,” her mum says. “I suppose she’s got some sort of spaceship you’ve been traveling in?”

“Yes, actually,” Yaz says, surprised. “It’s also a time machine, but for some reason it looks like the police box over on Surrey Street. I’ve never actually gotten an answer about why that is.”

“So you’ve been time traveling,” her mum says. “How long has it actually been since you’ve been back here?”

Yaz doesn’t want to answer this. She’s sort of been avoiding this conversation for exactly this reason.

Unfortunately, her silence is enough, and her mum sighs.

“Tell me you’re happy, at least?” she says.

“Never happier,” Yaz promises.

“Well, if it makes you happy, and you keep up your life here when you can, I suppose there’s nothing wrong with it,” her mum says. “Try not to get yourself killed.”

“Every day,” Yaz says. She decides right then that she’s not going to tell her mum half the stuff she’s been through.

“It’s not all giant spiders, is it?”

“Not at all,” Yaz says. “Mum, I’ve met Rosa Parks.”

Her mum shakes her head.

“I’m never going to understand this,” she says. “Can I tell your dad?”

“Might as well,” Yaz says. “He’ll love it. Finally a real live alien interaction.”

“He’ll probably try and stow away,” her mum says.

Yaz laughs, and her mum laughs with her.

So that went all right, then.

“And you and the Doctor--?” her mum asks.

Or not.

“Are still friends,” Yaz says. Too forcefully. As usual.

“Whatever you say,” her mum says.

Yaz rolls her eyes.

“I’m going to bed,” she says.

* * *

 

She falls asleep thinking about the Doctor looking at the menu at the restaurant they’d gone to, enraptured by how many choices she had.

* * *

 

(She falls asleep with a smile on her face.)

* * *

 

The Doctor shows up at the Khans’ door the next morning. Yaz is barely done with breakfast. She hugs her mum extra tight before she goes.

* * *

 

Yaz almost dies on a planet 40,000 light-years away from home.

She’s gotten separated from the others, and she’s panicking in an airlock with a sentient ship which keeps flushing its passengers. The airlock is moments from opening when the Doctor does whatever it is that she does with her sonic screwdriver (or maybe Ryan fixes an engine, or Graham talks the computer down-- Yaz wasn’t entirely clear on the plan when she was busy cowering in an airlock) and the whole place goes dark.

Yaz leans against the wall, her breath evening out. She’s okay. She’s okay, and she didn’t die in space, and now she’s just got to wait in this dark airlock until someone comes and unlocks it for her.

A moment later, the door slides open, and Yaz is aware of a rush of cool air on her face before she’s completely smothered by warm arms wrapping tightly around her.

Surprised, it takes her a moment to figure out what’s going on, but then she feels the ridges of the Doctor’s ear cuff on her cheek, and she realizes that the Doctor is hugging her. She hesitates a moment, and then she wraps her arms around the Doctor’s waist, burying her face in the Doctor’s shoulder. She would never admit it, but she needs this.

The Doctor doesn’t let go for almost a full minute, as near as Yaz can figure, her warm body pressed right up against Yaz’s. When she finally backs away, it’s because there are footsteps in the corridor, and she only backs up far enough to put her hands on Yaz’s shoulders and say, “I thought you were going to die!”

“Me, too,” Yaz says, looking anywhere but the Doctor’s eyes.

“I’m so glad you didn’t,” the Doctor says.

Yaz doesn’t know what to say now. She makes the mistake of looking the Doctor in the eyes, and the Doctor holds her gaze, looking at her with-- some sort of emotion. Yaz doesn’t know (or maybe is afraid to admit) what the emotion is, but… it’s connecting them, somehow.

In any case, it’s a moot point. Ryan and Graham come in then, and the connection breaks when the Doctor steps further away while Ryan almost trips in his hurry to give Yaz a bear hug.

“Glad you’re not dead,” he says. “I’d never have heard the end of it from your mum.”

“It’s not you who’d’ve been in danger from her,” Yaz says, glancing at the Doctor.

“Guess not,” Ryan says. “Still.”

Yaz smiles. She looks at Graham.

“I suppose you’re going to hug me too now,” she says.

“Nah,” Graham answers. “Figured I’d just go for a fist bump. Isn’t that a thing people do these days?”

“I don’t know about _these_ days,” Yaz says, “but I’ll take it.” She holds up her fist, and Graham meets it with his own.

“See, Ryan?” he says. “See how easy it is?”

Ryan rolls his eyes at Yaz.

“I saw that,” Graham says.

As they all walk back to the TARDIS together, part of Yaz is still wrapped up in the Doctor’s hug.

* * *

 

Yaz is sitting on a sofa in the TARDIS library later with a mug of tea, trying to read but mostly thinking about how close she got to dying earlier. Things have gotten scary before, but this time she really thought that she was about to die. She’s never been _that close_ before.

The funny thing is it wasn’t like anything happened that hurt her at all. Physically, she’s in good shape; just tired, mostly. It’s just that the airlock was seconds away from opening, and then Yaz’s body would have been left to float in space forever. It’s scary to think about.

The door to the library opens, and Yaz turns her head to see the Doctor standing in the doorway. She takes a couple of steps in, but she seems afraid to come closer, and Yaz doesn’t know how to say it’s all right. So she just looks at the Doctor, and the Doctor looks back at her, looking like she’s on some sort of precipice, ready to jump.

“Are you all right?” the Doctor asks. “That was a nasty trip we just had.”

“I think I’ll be okay,” Yaz says. It’s the truth, but maybe sugarcoated a little.

“Do you need anything?” the Doctor asks.

“Don’t think so,” Yaz says. She holds up her tea mug so the Doctor can see it. “Got some tea. The TARDIS figured out what kind I like.”

“She’s good at that,” the Doctor says. She teeters a little, rocking back and forth on her toes. “Can I come in?”

“It’s a public place,” Yaz says. When the Doctor doesn’t move, she smiles and says, “Yes, of course.”

The Doctor comes over to the sofa. She sprawls next to Yaz, one leg up bent and up on the sofa, one leg straight out in front of her. Yaz learned a long time ago that the Doctor thinks that this is just how a normal person sits on a sofa, so she doesn’t do anything to discredit that notion. Even so, the Doctor manages to contain herself about a foot away from Yaz, which Yaz is grateful for.

The Doctor doesn’t say anything, and Yaz pretends to read for a bit. She’s sort of given up on reading anything tonight, and having the Doctor so close is just another distraction. She lets thoughts fly around her brain for a few minutes until the Doctor says, “I’m sorry I hugged you.”

Yaz looks up.

“Why?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” the Doctor says. “It might have made you uncomfortable. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

Yaz laughs, in part because she’s not sure what else she can do. She’s had a very emotional day, and it doesn’t take much to get a reaction from her at this point.

“Did I make you uncomfortable?” the Doctor asks. She suddenly looks very nervous, her eyebrows raised, leaning forward with genuine concern.

“No,” Yaz says. “Sorry. Weird day. You didn’t make me uncomfortable. I just didn’t know you were that worried.”

“Of course I was that worried,” the Doctor says. “We can’t lose Yaz!”

Yaz smiles, but it’s a wobbly smile. Suddenly, without much advance warning, she burts into tears, crying giant, ugly sobs. Through her tears, she can see the Doctor looking like a deer in headlights, holding her arms up like she’s not sure whether or not she’s supposed to touch Yaz now. There are all sorts of things going through Yaz’s head now, but mostly it’s just a catharsis for all the fear she’s been holding inside of her all day, and the relief that she feels now that she’s somehow, impossibly alive. She almost _died_.

The Doctor clearly makes a choice, because a moment later her arms are tight around Yaz and Yaz is sobbing into her jacket, trying not to get it too damp.

The tears pass, and Yaz is suddenly very aware of the weight of the Doctor’s arms around her, one behind her shoulders, one around her waist. Her head is still on the Doctor’s shoulder, too, and the Doctor feels like she’s surrounding Yaz completely. Yaz feels so safe in this moment. A few hours ago, she almost died; now, she feels like she might never be at risk again.

Well, that’s not likely.

But she feels better, mostly.

The Doctor takes her arms away, and Yaz immediately feels the loss.

“Better?” the Doctor asks.

“Much,” Yaz says, with a weak smile. “Thanks, Doctor.”

“Anything for a happy Yaz,” the Doctor says. “You don’t want to be alone, do you? I can never tell.”

“No,” Yaz says. “It’s all right. I like having you around.”

“Brilliant,” the Doctor says. “Oh, I know! We can play a card game. I love card games. Never play enough of them. You in?”

Yaz nods, and the Doctor produces a deck of cards out of who-knows-where. They play late into the night (whatever “night” means in the TARDIS); the Doctor teaches Yaz games from three different planets, and Yaz teaches her a couple new ones from Earth, too. All told, it’s a pretty good evening.

* * *

 

She wakes up the next morning on the library sofa. The Doctor is nowhere to be seen.

* * *

 

“You should have seen the Doctor when she thought you were about to die,” Ryan says later. “She was ready to destroy something.”

“The Doctor would never destroy,” Yaz scoffs.

“I’m serious,” Ryan says. “She was scary.”

Yaz doesn’t know what to think about that.

* * *

 

As time goes on, it becomes even clearer how much the Doctor cares for her, and how much she cares for the Doctor. They grow closer, and soon the Doctor is grabbing Yaz’s hand as they walk down alien streets, and Yaz is taking just about any excuse to hug the Doctor. She knows Ryan and Graham have noticed, but they mercifully don’t say anything about it.

Yaz doesn’t think the Doctor is the type for a human relationship. Otherwise, she’d probably tell the Doctor outright about her feelings; Yaz isn’t the sort to hide a crush. But she doesn’t think that’s the sort of relationship she wants with the Doctor. She knows the Doctor cares about her, and she cares about the Doctor, and she doesn’t really want anything to be any different. She just wants to travel with the Doctor (and, sure, Ryan and Graham) forever.

And it seems like she’s going to get her wish.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I wanted to see if I could write a thasmin fic that felt true to how the Doctor's relationships usually progress... how'd I do?
> 
> ALSO, Ryan's cubed sushi is inspired by my college's "sushi rolling parties," at which they always have this thing that you can stuff rice (and whatever else) into and the thing shapes it into a cube, and I've become well-known in the collegiate sushi-rolling community as "the one who can't stop making cubes." I think it's something that Ryan would do as well


End file.
